She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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