Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
