I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
as a side note pls kill me
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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