In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
