I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
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