I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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