Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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