Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
