I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
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