So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
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