How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Randomize
