Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
We're too hungover to prance.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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