He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
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