I accidentally had phone sex last night
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
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