I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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