Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
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