I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
