I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
