I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize