im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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