I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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