now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
