thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize