Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Randomize
