I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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