Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
What a dumb baby whore.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
