I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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