He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
