Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Randomize
