Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
