@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
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