I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
either way he was missing a nipple.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize