She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I would fuck him just for his dog
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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