dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
