We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
