I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Randomize
