I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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