6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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