Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
