tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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