Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
