You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
