Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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