Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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