He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
