His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize