I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
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