I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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