Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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