You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
