The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
