Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
