The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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