Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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