We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Randomize
