We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
