We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
