So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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