when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
