where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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