you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Two words: nipple clamps
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